If you want to know about anxiety, how it affects a person or you're just interested keep reading if not you can skip this one
I have realised over the last few weeks where my anxiety started, I've been through a lot over the last few years, moving away from home for the first time, moving into a town I knew very little about with people I only knew a short time, (& still love) I started a new job and course, started a serious relationship and got engaged all within a year or so, right before all of that started I lost my dad and lost contact with a lot of close friends
It was a lot to deal with all at once and I admit that I didn't deal with it, it might not sound like a whole lot to someone else but when you have anxiety or you are quite sensitive to things it can be hard
I was never a big fan of change and anyone that knows me knows this
I took on everyone's problems as well as my own, and even after people dealt with their issues I still held on to them! I am no way blaming anyone here I love to help people any way that I can and I wouldn't change anything that happened so if you are reading this thinking "that bitch is blaming me " I'm not I promise! You have to go through things to be stronger!
I've moved house three times since then and lost some people close to me, started another new job and I admit I closed myself off from a lot of people! I stopped going out saying I was too tired or I had no money when in fact I went to bed at 7 in the evening locked the doors and ignored my friends! I panicked when I heard cars outside or when my fiancé would go to work! I cried every evening saying I hated my life when in fact there was nothing wrong with it.
After moving a third time I left a really great job for no reason, I told people I didn't like it and I wanted to do something else when in fact the job was fine I was just finding it extremely hard to leave the house, I would pretend I was sick and couldn't go!
It all came to a head when I started yet another course and my fiancé had a small accident at work!
When I got the phone call that he was on the way to the hospital I literally couldn't breathe, I think I lay on the living room floor for about an hour shaking and crying so hard! I have never told anyone about this! His accident was only minor and definitely not anything to be over worried about but for some reason it pushed me over the edge.
I couldn't get out of bed anymore, I would histerically cry for hours over nothing and I needed someone to be with me all the time! Sean has been a huge help to me during my recovery and I honestly don't know what I would have done without him. I actually do, I had contemplated suicide several times, even writing letters to my family. That was when I knew I needed to see someon, thankfully since I've been on tablets I am okay! I don't feel like my life is shit and I don't cry for hours over nothing! I still panic sometimes, especially over social situations, recently a good friend of mine asked me to her wedding (if you're reading this you will know now why) I am really looking forward to seeing her in her dress and watching her get married but I can't be around a lot of people it's extremely hard for me to try and explain this to people who have never been through it or just don't understand!
I am not trying to get sympathy for this post I am not trying to get likes or for people to ask me am I ok I am simply telling you all or anyone that is still reading this that it takes time to overcome this, it's not as easy as "go for a walk, forget about it, have a drink, go out" I wish it was but I need people's patience and understanding with me and if you truly don't want to be in my life when it's hard then that is completely fine
I have some great people in my life right now my fiancé who is not only my parter but my best friend, my sister who had been unbelievably fantastic to me she has helped me so much I don't think she will ever know how much, and a handful of friends (you know who you are 💗💗) my mum and my fiances family who have all been wonderful and so understanding
If you are still reading this thank you for listening I know it's a really long winded post
I just wanted to explain to people what happened because I do get asked "sure what's wrong with ya, "
There is a huge difference between someone saying "oh I'm panicking over this situation" and actually panicking so I wanted to clear that up,
Xox
